Afterwards, we were exhausted. So I ran an errand and then ending up going to sleep till now.
In the stirring of my subconscious mind as it spoke to me through dream I went to the past with a mixture of characters in the present to learn a lesson about relationship gardens.
The setting seemed to be a bar, having drinks with friends and considering dinner and desert. My date was the partner I had when I began transition or an avatar for her at best. Deliberation at the end of dinner had to do with getting the drink that my other friends were getting or not with limited funds. This seemed more like a avatar, metaphor, or symbol for something deeper though as the conversation seemed to go back to our relationship and the discussion of allowing me to date someone else as well, to the point of fact that the decision at hand was to open the relationship and date someone else.
In the waking world, I should say that in 2002 I asked permission to leave the long term relationship I was in since 1994 to play house with another. I had made it utterly clear to the person I wanted to play house with that I did not want to leave the friendship I had with my long term partner and still wanted to have connection with her - though I would be sleeping with this new partner. One might have thought this simple since the person I wanted to play house with - let's call her Barbie for simplicity, had a history of dating multiple women at once. It did not play out simply. As the dreams today made me turn a critical eye on the situation - it was ok for Barbie to date around, but she wanted strict control over whom I was allowed to visit with and who not. Even though I entered playtime with Barbie with a certain understanding that I would remain in friendship and connection with my former lover, within 3-6 months that degraded to the point that Barbie said I had to make a choice.
A smart woman would have said, "Whoa, wait a minute. You came to play with me understanding that the sandbox has some rules that I had set down as well and I want to play tractors and sand castles with my long time friend and mentor" I was not a smart woman at the time though, I was a woman who had a lack of gender confidence and has moments of ego weakness. I had gone to play with Barbie because she was funny and seemed attracted to me as a girl. I did not know whether Suzie (my long term partner) saw me as a girl and still wanted to play house as two girls or missed playing house with a daddy and a mommy. I had confronted Suzie about the concern and was assured that she liked playing both kinds of house, but something in me was till not sure. Barbie had come in, come on strong, and seemed to really want to play "Debbie has two mommies".
So, Suzie and I parted ways in a way where I wanted to cut things cold as directed by Barbie. I have regreted that decision ever since, as part of me loves and always will love Suzie.
Which brings us to my garden now. Hypothetically I have a garden that is a secret, happy place, but that cannot grow tomatoes. It is not so much that the other gardener and I don't want tomatoes, as they would be a healthy addition for salads, sandwhiches, etc. It is that the soil just cannot grow tomatoes. So, we are left with three alternatives.
- Live without tomatoes
- Walk away from the garden to one that has tomatoes and become gardener there.
- Visit another garden with tomatoes, enjoy those tomatoes there and form a bridge between both gardens.
- Seek a Master Gardener to help us grown tomatoes, to change the soil so that tomatoes may grow.
Well, I cannot live with 1) and option 2) ignores the fact that my current gardner and I have built this garden together and have the joyful sound of young gardeners running around (though they are rather furry). Option 3 has been discussed and my co-gardener seems open to the idea but there are risks to personal feelings and the neglect to some degree of the garden we have. One would have to proceed with much love and careful insight to make sure garden 1 remains lush and healthy while visiting market for tomatoes.
Option 4 has been suggested, but not all gardeners are willing to attend classes taught by a Master Gardener.
What was my mind unveiling to me? Well, she was tearing away a level of guilt and understanding not thought of before with Suzie and Barbie. Barbie liked playing house with several ladies at once. However, Barbie did not like any of those ladies playing house with other ladies, as was the case with me.
Now I seem to be entering a path in life where I am going to be playing with other gardeners. What if my co-gardener also wants to go to market for produce we do not grow in our garden? Will I be prepared to be ok with that, or will I become Barbie myself?
