Katy Dawn Stewart

My Subconcious communicating through dreams: The relationship gardens

2011-10-09T00:30:00.000-07:00

     Today was a good day. Robin and I took our eldest dogter to the Texas Reds Festival in downtown Bryan. Pictures will be posted here and on Facebook as soon as I can get them off my phone.
      Afterwards, we were exhausted. So I ran an errand and then ending up going to sleep till now.

     In the stirring of my subconscious mind as it spoke to me through dream I went to the past with a mixture of characters in the present to learn a lesson about relationship gardens.
     The setting seemed to be a bar, having drinks with friends and considering dinner and desert. My date was the partner I had when I began transition or an avatar for her at best. Deliberation at the end of dinner had to do with getting the drink that my other friends were getting or not with limited funds. This seemed more like a avatar, metaphor, or symbol for something deeper though as the conversation seemed to go back to our relationship and the discussion of allowing me to date someone else as well, to the point of fact that the decision at hand was to open the relationship and date someone else.
In the waking world, I should say that in 2002 I asked permission to leave the long term relationship I was in since 1994 to play house with another. I had made it utterly clear to the person I wanted to play house with that I did not want to leave the friendship I had with my long term partner and still wanted to have connection with her - though I would be sleeping with this new partner. One might have thought this simple since the person I wanted to play house with - let's call her Barbie for simplicity, had a history of dating multiple women at once. It did not play out simply. As the dreams today made me turn a critical eye on the situation - it was ok for Barbie to date around, but she wanted strict control over whom I was allowed to visit with and who not. Even though I entered playtime with Barbie with a certain understanding that I would remain in friendship and connection with my former lover, within 3-6 months that degraded to the point that Barbie said I had to make a choice.
      A smart woman would have said, "Whoa, wait a minute. You came to play with me understanding that the sandbox has some rules that I had set down as well and I want to play tractors and sand castles with my long time friend and mentor" I was not a smart woman at the time though, I was a woman who had a lack of gender confidence and has moments of ego weakness. I had gone to play with Barbie because she was funny and seemed attracted to me as a girl. I did not know whether Suzie (my long term partner) saw me as a girl and still wanted to play house as two girls or missed playing house with a daddy and a mommy. I had confronted Suzie about the concern and was assured that she liked playing both kinds of house, but something in me was till not sure. Barbie had come in, come on strong, and seemed to really want to play "Debbie has two mommies".
     So, Suzie and I parted ways in a way where I wanted to cut things cold as directed by Barbie. I have regreted that decision ever since, as part of me loves and always will love Suzie.

     Which brings us to my garden now. Hypothetically I have a garden that is a secret, happy place, but that cannot grow tomatoes. It is not so much that the other gardener and I don't want tomatoes, as they would be a healthy addition for salads, sandwhiches, etc. It is that the soil just cannot grow tomatoes. So, we are left with three alternatives.

Live without tomatoes
Walk away from the garden to one that has tomatoes and become gardener there.
Visit another garden with tomatoes, enjoy those tomatoes there and form a bridge between both gardens.
Seek a Master Gardener to help us grown tomatoes, to change the soil so that tomatoes may grow.

Well, I cannot live with 1) and option 2) ignores the fact that my current gardner and I have built this garden together and have the joyful sound of young gardeners running around (though they are rather furry). Option 3 has been discussed and my co-gardener seems open to the idea but there are risks to personal feelings and the neglect to some degree of the garden we have. One would have to proceed with much love and careful insight to make sure garden 1 remains lush and healthy while visiting market for tomatoes.
Option 4 has been suggested, but not all gardeners are willing to attend classes taught by a Master Gardener.

What was my mind unveiling to me? Well, she was tearing away a level of guilt and understanding not thought of before with Suzie and Barbie. Barbie liked playing house with several ladies at once. However, Barbie did not like any of those ladies playing house with other ladies, as was the case with me.
Now I seem to be entering a path in life where I am going to be playing with other gardeners. What if my co-gardener also wants to go to market for produce we do not grow in our garden? Will I be prepared to be ok with that, or will I become Barbie myself?

Treatise: How should we live in community with one another

2011-10-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

"Whether you are a lefty leftist, a righty rightest, or politically diverse our first duty should be to community and specifically to caring for each and every one of our citizens. When those living in a land are free from constraints of fear then the government can justly respond to the people." - Me

Free from constraints would mean many things:

1. To not be tied down because of fear of lack of healthcare. Ex. not being able to leave a job for better opportunities because you need that health insurance. Universal health care lifts up all of our citizenry and is preventative to the spread of vectors relating to bad health.
2. Unshackled by constraints on justice. Specifically, the ability to bring to justice those who have caused damage against you without limits such as proposed by tort reform or tort caps. You should have your day in court where a community of peers weighs all the proper evidence and fairly distributes judgement.

When it really comes down to it....perhaps we should look at what our priorities are as individuals and as a people. Perhaps our priorities should look more like:

Community - that is the only priority.

When one takes care of community, one must take basic care of oneself and family in order to be able to then care for others and the community.

Other's may list God or religion as their first priority. I believe Jesus taught, and many faiths around the world teach, and my own relationship with the compassionate divine (whom I often refer to as Goddess though zhe really has no gender - God or Goddess or perhaps God and Goddess), teach that our communion and relationship with others is in itself honoring that holy essence. After all, is it not the divine spark in others with which we relate when we are in community?

I have to reveal though that I have thought for a long time that one's first priority should be self and that this is the best motivator. My position was that when one took care of self, then one could better take care of community. However, this often becomes abused by greed so that taking care of self is not done in a way that then engenders taking care of community.

At work my attitude has taken to point of "If I am sick, or feeling unwell" then I should take off, I try to honor this with my co-workers and their individual needs with school, crap of life that happens to us all, and illness. In a real sense, taking care of self means that one takes care of the team by not spreading illness and being able to focus on the team tasks at hand.

At the same time, I have some times put community above my family and individual basic needs to the detriment of home, partner, lovers....and most of all....canine children.

I guess my spirituality is community....in a way.
And, for me community is often stratified - for good or bad, in the following way:

Transgender
LGBT
Allies
Diversity
Those who are overlooked - immigrants, etc. - basic social justice
Environment
Greater homogenous community.

So, I ask the question:
What are your priorities? How do they make the world a better place for our ancestors and our descendants (heritage)

Texas A&M George Bush School of Government and Public Service

2011-09-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

Watch about 1:15 in. I was honored to be a part of this video for the Bush School after receiving my Graduate level Certificate in NonProfit Management

What does it feel like to be a woman?

2011-07-06T23:03:00.000-07:00

     This evening I posed an interesting question to myself in introducing myself to someone new, someone I hope will become a friend. I asked myself that age old question, "What does it feel like to be a woman"

     I started this gender path as Katrina Dawn Stewart on April 10, 2001. Ten years later I am not any closer to an answer for you. Then again, as sure as I am about many things in my "know it all" life, I look back and realize that many things I "knew" at the age of twenty or even thirty are not so certain now. Life is muddy, mucky, dirty, and complex...there are no simple answers and our culture does not really provide the answers though it tries to assert it does.

     There is no existential/essential way of being a woman, there is no way of feeling like a man. I know I am me. I know that the path for me to take hormones and become Katy was life changing, upsetting, wrecked my life, destroyed my privilege, and cost me authority and positionality in management where I work. I also know that nothing I could have imagined at the start of April 10, 2010 would have prepared me for where I am ten years later, or where I will be ten years from now.

     I feel I am more "woman" now than I personally was then because the slow fires of life seem to have purified me in some ways. I feel I am more authentic as a "woman" now, though ...again...that essential category holds no water, no real value. I am my woman and I claim my identity as a woman as something so unique and special in how I wear this skin that no one else could really know.

     It is not the clothes, it is not the breasts - though the perspective of hormones has changed my life in a womanly way in some dramatic ways. It is not the way I talk or the way I act at times - because my brand of femininity is fierce, stubborn, messy, and yet extremely sensitive and caring. I would not go back. In fact, I look forward to more changes on my horizon. At the same time, I regret what has been lost, I mourn for better planning, and I know that no amount of planning would have ever been enough.

     Being a woman, like being a man is complicated, complex, and there are no real guidelines. Sure, there are cultural scripts, there are proper ways of living in gender...but those don't reflect who we really are, what we really do at all waking moments. We are each a spark, a flame of uniqueness in the world that adapts culture to us as much as culture adapts us to itself.

     I am a woman, but how I have come to my womanhood has been my gendered journey and that is ever evolving, I still wrestle with nightmares, with fears.

     I also still have many dreams in which I am a male character. Does that somehow mean I am not a good candidate for surgery, that at some subconcious level I am really a man and not a woman at all? One might argue that. Consider this though, I lived 29 year of my life as a man...those records, memories, and subconscious life...however much I strived to be a woman still were very real man experiences. In other words, I have baggage. I also still wrestle with my own hangup on the male bits I still have. Why can I not accept myself as a woman with these bits. After all, those I love who have the same bits and are women are only women in my eyes. Is it internalized transphobia? Maybe? Perhaps.... Or, is it that for me, for my path, I want that surgery that confirms my gender. In other words, I can accept another's decision one way or another, but for me what is right is to have this surgery.

    How can one prove something so personal to a therapist without sounding wishy washy or conflicted? I don't know. I don't know because there are also artificial complications to the matter - costs of surgery, fear of results, fear of the unknown, hope for what will be and realism for what might not be.

     Still, having had my orchie in November, I am amazed at some things...I am amazed at how my libido is either gone or changing...how I am not feeling a constant thirst that cannot be quenched and a constant attack of need or desire for sex. I really am calmer in that regard...and there is peace in that. Perhaps there is a lesson therein for the fears and unknowns of my goal?

Wayne Christian and his Senate Bill

2011-06-11T00:25:00.000-07:00

For context, please go here:
http://www.texastribune.org/texas-legislature/82nd-legislative-session/video-pansexual-amendment-debate/

"While you were sleeping last night, State Rep. Wayne Christian, R-Center, resurrected an amendment to SB 1 that would ban colleges from using state funds or university facilities for gender and sexuality centers. This is a must watch series of videos!!"

I would like to take a few moments of your time to set the record queer and correct:
While I was growing up my mother often told me that "I didn't understand, I didn't have the whole story" when quite often with my dragon heart and genius mind I often saw the complex mess of life more clearly than many.

Of course in his testimony Wayne Christian took things out of context. So, let me please try to attempt to put them in context.

The questions he read off from a handout (from UT) were most likely a visualization, guided thinking technique often used to create empathy and understanding for what another goes through. One takes a predominant audience identity and questions it in the same vein that LGBT identities are questioned every day.This creates a cognitive dissonance and dissociation that can be used to highlight how others feel.

As a sidenote, I find it interesting that the honorable Wayne Christian could not speak his own gender identity.

The video taken from Texas A&M's Cay Crowe presentation....ooooh, where do I begin.

The student who took this video violated the sanctity of a safe space in the same manner of those people who videotape visitors to planned parenthood. This student took a sacred trust and betrayed his/her fellow aggies and the environment created
The student violated copyright law by not getting permission to tape and rebroadcast
The student created terror by posting to YouTube showing he could get into a sacred space of fellow students and reveal to public what was private. Safe spaces are not safe when people feel that their identities, what they are learning, etc will be broadcast to the whole world
And finally, Cay Crow did this safe sex presentation free of charge as a service to students before break. In my mind it is better to teach a student how to operate heavy machinery (ie anal sex) instead of just letting them go at it without any guidance. We know students are going to have sex, we know they are going to have all different kinds of sex, the best method for their own safety, the safety of their partners, and the safety of all of us (STI's to name just one effect), is to give them practical, sound, safer methods of doing what they are going to do in the healthiest methods possible.

So, it is late....but my brain was burning as Wayne Christian used that crap out of context.

And with that I have to applaud Lowell Kane and the Texas A&M GLBT Resource Center for all they do to provide safe and nurturing environments to students that I love and care for so very much.

I may work in the community, and not at A&M. I may not experience some of the fallout of this first hand. But, my roots in this community have grown deep. My love of TAMU's potential has always been strong and the antics of Wayne Christian and also what has been going on here at A&M are sad, abhorrent, and have lighted my ire.

Wayne wants equal treatment. Lifting up diversity is not a zero sum game honorable lawmaker. When GLBT students get something, it does not automatically take away from straight students who are reinforced with heterosexual teaching, training, reference, and health care centered on them and their "lifestyle" every single hour or every single day.

When are we going to stop this damn debate that by thinking of others we somehow hurt those who are in the majority.

Depressed - beauty demons sitting on my heart

2011-05-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

This morning I looked through some pictures of myself at the 2nd annual Austin Harvey Milk Commemorative March. True, I chose not to wear makeup, still pictures - any pictures lately spin me into a confidence down spiral.
http://www.farrisfoto.com/GetEqual/HarveyMilkConferenceAndMarch/index.html

Here is what I see when I look at these pictures. A passionate, angry woman with hair that seems to move on its own because of the goddess aura surrounding her. A woman who is fat, doesn't have a very pretty face (and having a pretty face means a whole lot to me), and whose hair is stringy, old, grey and belongs in a horror flick.

Robin looks at me and tries to comfort me by saying that I have just as beautiful a face as they day we met.
Sweet, nice, and helpful....something I will remember and cling to as a totem as I try to claw my way out of this dark place.

Still, I see a woman who is not as pretty as someone like Nikki Araguz and who has over the years gained an ever expanding girth.

I hope that yoga will help with the girth. The reality is that I eat too many sweets and have little self control. The yoga is better for the stress detox and the alignment of my body and soul...peace within rather than with easy, rapid weight loss.

Can I hold on long enough for the yoga to be of weight loss benefit.
Can I stop thinking of myself as this ugly old woman whose angry all the time.....

I don't know, this hole I fall into seems to be a cyclical one.

Much love, to a day or moment soon out of this darkness to a sunlit, cool beach.

Presentation Anxiety - opinions welcome, only if they are positive.

2011-05-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

I am worried about my presentation at the Harvey Milk Conference this weekend.

So, some critics (who are good friends I trust) say I put too many words on a slide. Others (also good friends and mentors) say I "read" too much from my slides. Both are true to some degree.

What is left out is that the detail I put into slides is to help me remember what in the heck I am supposed to say when I am in front of an audience. Also, my natural inclination is to read and react to the audience and build from there.

So, what do I tell myself? Perhaps that they have valid concerns, things I can work towards, but that I also have to be fair to myself and my way of doing things. If I clam up worrying about "did I put too many words on the slide" I cannot grow as a presenter through observation of how "better" presenters work the craft.

Also, in order to present I have to be relaxed enough to put those concerns "on the back burner" and engage the audience.

I like and need the structure of powerpoint. Perhaps sometimes I lean on that too much instead of using it as a visual aid. If I were teaching in the classroom, what would I be doing? Well, I would have an outline with the information I want the students to learn, those key points are what I would write up on the board - isn't the same thing I am doing when crafting the powerpoint ?

I cannot undersell my own flexibility though. Earlier this year I did an "off the hip" presentation with a good friend and mentor to a PFLAG chapter. The conversation had was pretty darn good - made better because the friend was there. But, I did "hold my own"

It is late, I may be over thinking this.
I say, go with what has been built.
Some are going to think I am reading from the slides, some are going to like the slides, and some are going to say, "Hey, that Katy Stewart is pretty good at what she does."

Your comments appreciated.

Virtual BBQ Benefit

2011-05-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

More to come, but please stop by a good 'ole Texas BBQ Benefit, done virtually for my friend Lou Weaver

http://louweaver2011.eventbrite.com/

Today only, zero-calorie, free virtual PECAN PIE with purchase of any BBQ plate.

Katy reveals all - A Gender Project featuring me.

2011-04-15T22:52:00.000-07:00

Andres did a wonderful job piecing this together...I am both honored and blushing about the video.

Equality Texas Lobby Day - Katy Stewart

2011-02-28T18:02:00.000-08:00

Thanks for giving 2010

2010-11-25T07:51:00.000-08:00

First, an update.
     As far as I can tell, I am healing nicely from the orchie. One incision site is still covered by steri strips, the other is not, but is healing well - I just need to keep antiobiotic cream on it. Both incisions feel hard underneath the skin, and I am told by Robin's sister that this might be scar tissue. It may or may not go away with time.
     Hormonally it is still early to tell, there are some changes. For instance, I have had a few hot flashes - though that seems to be calming down some. In addition, excitable hardening in that area (if you know what I mean) has diminished except for one totally random time this past week. I don't know if my fat distribution is changing much yet - again, too early.
     Am I happy with the operation, yes. Am I happier because of it? Well, I wouldn't call it happier. There is some adjusting, but I am satisfied at the accomplishment of a milestone that will help other elements "fall into place" When it comes down to it, there is very little that makes me "happy" (other than perhaps winning a million dollars). There is peace, comfortableness, hope, and love...which brings me to todays blog.....

What am I thankful for?

     Let me start by saying that most of the time, holidays depress/confound me. When I was with Denise, my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were living hell. Some of that still haunts me. It also haunts me that my family by blood is distant, unaccepting, and contradictory (except for the notable exceptions of my wondrous cousin Sara and Aunt Geraldine). What has brought me joy and peace in the past are my family of spirit - including Jack and Debbie and Patrick and Sara. I still look fondly upon the Thanksgiving with Sara and Patrick before she left to go to American University.

    So, what am I thankful for? I am thankful for friends, a supportive partner, privilege, and an amazingly adaptive and beautiful mind. Let me please take each in turn.

Friends:
     As I said, special friends such as Patrick, Sara, Jack, Debbie, Anne Lessem and others too numerous to mention (Lowell, Patrick Lukingbeal, Rebecca Taylor, Lou Weaver, Luci, etc etc etc) make my life bearable with all the stresses that enter it. I am the kind of person that tends more towards a very small core group of friends and lots of acquaintances...at least that I what I thought I was like. It is true that very very few people know most of the hallways of my soul. Robin, my lovely partner, comes closest after 6 years now, but even she misses some of the labyrinth that is Katy. Most of the time, friends see facets - like facets of a rare gems. And sometimes they glimpse the truth of those facets.

With Anne I share the Scorpio asset of great evil in the pursuit of good, perception, depth, and mysterious dark, sexual, powerful potential.
With Lou I share lightheartedness ( he was tempted to skip in Kroger the other day according to Facebook) and an iron-clad grip on community commitment and passion.
With Lowell I share the Brazos Valley community, dedication, and pursuit of trying to create resources in this GLBT dead zone.
With Patrick Lukingbeal and Rebecca Taylor I share a great fondness and desire to have dinner together again - as well as a secret admiration of their awesomeness in their own pursuits.
With Luci I share and see reflected strength. The feminine strength to be oneself and change the face of a community.
Jack and Debbie I share love, puppy dates, election working and delightful conversation that I often do not find in the regular world
Patrick and Sara - well, I miss them. Besides Robin, they have known me the longest and the best. They see my potential and they nurture it. My eyes water up as I write how truly wonderful they are in my life because the so much just love me, support me, and encourage me to grow. The tears fall because I miss them, but more so because of the completeness they bring to my heart.

For all of this family I am today thankful, and honored.

A supportive partner:

     In this life we all need friends to make it through. Often always, we need a travel companion - or companions. My wish after the dark times of Denise was a partner who could walk with me on the path that is life and chat. Robin and I have had our times when the path separates us and times when we walk hand in hand. We have had times where we playfully banter on the journey and times in which we argue and stew in silence walking on opposite sides of the path. We have our darkness and our light, but we do have each other. We also own together some things that cannot be written even here.
     Denise said she was out, but acted closeted and had a lot of internalized homophobia. I cannot say that Robin or even myself are immune from internalized homophobia because I believe the words I have heard recently that one cannot grow up in our society an not be racist. I would include, that one cannot grow up in this society and still be haunted by bigotry of so many kinds. We are all like the old fashioned LP records - the vinyl ones with grooves. Those grooves are our culture and our history, they are often grooves filled with prejudiced subtleties, discriminative undertones, and assumptions about groups of people instead of about individuals. They become part of who we are, and though we try and successfully "clean" some of those grooves - new ones are made each day and one cannot possibly undo one's entire history. So, Denise was toxic in her internalized homophobia, but Robin and I also bear that stigma upon our souls.
     That being said, Robin is for the most part - out, which allows me a certain comfortableness as I work my leadership and magic in a community. Moreso, she is supportive behind the scenes, giving my quiet strength, advice, and argumentative counterpoint. Believe it or not, counterpoint is sometimes the best tonic for success.
     Robin is also highly intelligent, which I take for granted most of the time because I walk around the world knowing I am a genius :-)
     But, that genius is something people don't always get to share in, till you have an extended conversation with her or spend some time with her. For her beauty of mind I am blessed.

Privilege

   When I transitioned from male to female, I lost male privilege. To this day, that loss stings, and the injustice of it often burns in my soul - giving kindling to the fire of my passion for social justice. At the same time, I am still privileged in many ways I take for granted. These privileges act as unseen forces that allow me to accomplish and even do what I do.
     So, I am still white and of an English/German possibly a little bit of Scottish heritage. It means I would look amazingly hot in a kilt and also gives me certain social freedoms while constraining certain social expressions. What I mean by this is that my "calmer" less expressive nature may be not only because of my shyness and who I am at the core, but also social conditioning. I will remember the National Coalition Building Institute train the trainer training when I became unsettled because a person of color so beautifully emoted the injustice felt every waking moment. Now, anyone who has heard my pre-op vagina monologue can bear witness to my ability to emote with the best. However, my unsettlement was as much a product of my "record grooves" of racism and also "acceptable ways of communicating" that are bound with in and within my privilege as a white woman.
     Because of my privilege I am automatically granted leadership opportunity. Yet, because of privilege I cannot see some social justice issues dealing with race as clearly as others. This allows me the opportunity to advocate, but not to understand - which is both a blessing and a curse.
     My point for today though is that my privilege allows me to be out, to take time from work to pursue advocacy, and has given me the opportunity to experientially learn leadership in the Brazos Valley Community. For that and the friends that support me in those efforts with words and encouragement, or even the ability to activate my ideas, I am truly grateful.

An amazingly beautiful mind

   My undergrad GPA is not very high, due moreso to working to many hours and a procrastinative nature. However, my original degree plan was a Bachelor of Science in Chemistry. I changed to Bachelor of Arts which allowed me the privilege of understanding the great adaptability and breadth of my mind to process many different kinds of knowledge systems, but that ability to closely analyze, number crunch, and perceive has remained.
      I look in the mirror some days and think that I am not very pretty. I think about how masculine I may look, or that I don't really have a feminine beauty. Other days, I look in the mirror and think, "Damn, I would fuck her". When it comes to my mind though, even though I have times in which "all gears are working" and days in which I am "off", I still have a quiet confidence that my mind is a wondrous and beautiful creation.

In combination with my heart...my most wondrous of assets.

And it is that mind that makes me a beautiful woman and formerly a compassionate, caring, handsome gentleman.

Thanks for reading, will post more as time allows....

Katy

How did I celebrate my 29th?

2010-11-07T13:47:00.000-08:00

For my birthday this year, my present to myself was a step towards dealing with my hormone issues in regard to transition. So, for years I have struggled with using testosterone blockers on my journey to womanhood (I started hormone therapy in February of 2001). I guess I just have such stubborn testosterone (like the rest of me :-) ) that I have been unable to properly minimize my testosterone levels into the normative range of most females. Also, the often prescribed spironolactone that is the most often used for this treatment was not a prescription that I tolerated well at high levels ( like 100 mg ). Often such high levels of spiro dehydrated me and left me coping with chronic constipation (again, not something an active woman needs in her life). About 2 years ago my endocrinologist switched me to finasteride to block testosterone. It worked, but we had to use a suitably high dosage of this drug as well.
As such, insurance has battled with me every year about the renewal prescription for finasteride. It would go something like this.

Dr. would prescribe a new round of finasteride for a new year
Insurance would deny the insurance copay for reasons of not being a drug used for cases other than female hirustism (excessive hairiness ).
Dr. would write an appeal for override of the insurance denial
Insurance would still deny
I would have to get my company's HR and legal department involved to override the insurance decision.

Big mess, every year.

I have been advised again and again, "Why don't you just go get an orchiectomy?"

My reservations have been centered on two factors:

It was my understanding that my surgeon of choice for eventual SRS surgery - Dr Supporn in Thailand did not approve of patients who had prior orchiectomy. That the scar tissue such a procedure typically leaves on the scrotal sac is innapropriate to using such material for future labial donor material. I want healthy labia, so....I don't want scrotal scarring
Shrinkage. Having an orchie could cause significant enough shrinkage of donor material in the groin area that SRS results might be impaired.

This past year, as I spoke to my dear mentor Phyllis Frye during a conversation related to other business, the issue of orchie came up again - specifically as I was complaining about my finasteride trials above. She recommended a great plastic surgeon in Plano - Dr. Peter Raphael. She also commented that Dr. Raphael's procedure was purposefully respectful of patient desire to undergo later SRS and would not cause scarring of the scrotal tissue. As for the shrinkage issue, she commented that any competent surgeon could come up with solutions for that.

I took her advice to heart and asked others. My friend Kylie had also seen Dr. Raphael, and recommended him heartily. My mentor Lisa also shared with me confidences in regard to shrinkage and that competent surgeons could indeed get donor material from elsewhere on my body. She also has understood my issues and was very helpful and uplifting in me weighing the pros and cons for myself. What helped the most was the following post

http://sherrylanina.tripod.com/orchiectomytrans.htm

The other day I saw this message by Dr. Marci Bowers which helped drive home that the main concern against orchiectomy is the fund drain from SRS
http://www.marcibowers.com/grs/grs-faq.html

For a woman who cannot afford SRS for some time yet into the future, needs better hormone control (consider weight gain and multiple other health issues that may or may not be related to "competing hormones" in my body), and sees the wisdom of a stepwise approach, Dr. Bower's warning held little water.

My other main concern, no more chance to have children myself after this is done.

So, I want to be a mother - I want to be the one who gets pregnant rather than the one who impregnates. Nevertheless, the understanding of the finality of this decision in regard to offspring did weigh on me. This being said even though I am most likely already sterile from so many years of hormone blockers. It still weighed on my soul.

My good mentor and friend Lisa totally understood. She understood, and that is all I needed to go forward with a decision.

Would I like to pass my genes onto a child? Yes. Would I like to hold a baby girl in my arms who I have helped bring into this world? Yes, definitely

But, what is my most precious gift to a child?
My passion, my life work, my advocacy, and my heart.

This I can give to any child who needs to be adopted - especially one who may have lost their own family in the their journey to be themselves.

So, I am here 48 hours after orchiectomy.
The first day was hell...well, dark and painful from the effects of the anesthesia.
But, I did live, did heal well, and most of the negative effects of the anesthesia were gone by evening to the next morning.
Robin is now telling me it is time for my steroid, or was that "Get your feet in the stirrups young lady, you and I have some lovin to catch up on :-) "

I am getting better each day, will keep all of you updated.

Thanks for reading...

Increasing Access to Justice: Update

2010-10-26T06:57:00.000-07:00

For a first time event, "Increasing Access to Justice: Advocating for LGBT Victims of Domestic Violence" went pretty darn well.

October 22 - 12 to 13 participants. Attendees were from Phoebe's Home, private practice, and Sexual Assault Resource Center. I met some new faces of social workers in our community and really appreciate their input. In addition, to those who came from afar, such as Austin, I am very very greatful.
October 23 - 7 to 9 participants. Mainly student affairs and University personnel. We were joined by a law enforcement officer partway through and I really appreciated his input. Great learning was had

After all is said and done, we came away with a net earning of $113, which I hope to share some with the project partners, and put the bulk into next year's program.

I could not have done this without all of the following project planning partners:

Brazos Valley Chapter of the National Association of Social Workers
Texas Advocacy Project

Other partners on the project that I am indebted to:

Aggie Allies
Brazos Valley Area Agency on the Aging
Texas A&M GLBT Resource Center

And special thanks to:

GLBTA
an Anonymous donor of baked refreshments for both days
GLBT Professional Network

Most of all, I could have not done this at all without the sponsorship of

Brazos Progressives
Brazos County Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Chest Infection, Coughing, Sinus Infection - Attack of the bacterioids

2010-10-11T05:02:00.000-07:00

     So, it has been a rough two weeks in which many things I hoped to accomplish have not been accomplished because my body has been so worn down because of natural baterialogical warfare by mother nature against me. It started as a bad case of chest congestion and miserableness that I nursed through and eventually got a little better. Funny thing is that I think I developed the voice of an aging rock star during this time...in between the hacking and breathing through what felt like fluid.
     The doctor prescribed septra-D, which apparently is also used for staph infections, according to the pharmacist. That and a combination of mucinex-dm and alka-seltzer cold medicines have seemed to help.
     That is, until this weekend. Apparently, taking the family to Weiner-Fest was just too much for my sinuses. I was miserable and heat exhausted after only a few hours, so we went home. While leaving, we met my friend Dr. Dianne Kraft who wisely offered what she uses during these times - a Nettie Pot . I forgot honestly about these wonderous inventions.
     So we got home, ate lunch, and decided to take a small nap before planning to go to the Big Gay BBQ being held this Saturday. We planned, but our bodies told us otherwise, as neither of us woke up till after 6pm, still feeling miserable. We ate dinner, watched some tv, and back to bed.
     Sunday found Robin having to do a shift at work, while I stayed home. I did use the Neti pot Sunday morning and slept, which seemed to help quite a bit...I hope that it lasts.
     So, at the end of this month is the set of workshops on same-sex domestic violence entitled "Increasing Access to Justice: Advocating for LGBT Victims of Domestic Violence". This has been a very very rewarding project to partner with JJ Lara of Texas Advocacy Project and Ed Lane of the Brazos Valley Chapter of the National Association of Social Worker s. Although the project is really the creation of JJ and TAP, bringing it to the venue of Bryan/College Station has been a project in learning how to set up coalition based community education projects. I hope to continue this kind of work in the future with Ed Lane and others to offer more programs in the Brazos Valley. Already I tentatively have thoughts for the following programs:

Bringing Allison Vogt of Montrose Counseling Center to speak either during GLBTA Awareness week in the Spring or next Fall for followup on Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October)
A program on LGBT elderly or LGBT and aging, the issues involved, the topics to discuss. I am hoping that this would be a good project to get Lowell Kane to present on with his research in the area as well as partner with the Brazos Valley Area Agency on the Aging and national groups such as SAGE. I wonder if there is a month dedicated to celebrating our elders - or if the month during which grandparents day resides would be suitable.
I would like to consider a program bearing my research on Issues in Transgender Health Care and working with local and national partners to present such a program as well.

So, that is a number of projects to consider.
Right now though, I have to get through this first one and am nervous that it will work "perfectly"

I will keep you updated....

Q-Drop, Withdrawal, Certificate and Future Plans

2010-09-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

It has been an interesting week to say the least.

So, last weeked the Equality Texas board had our retreat. I walked away with a headache, lead in my stomach, and wondering, "How the hell am I going to do this." I also had a lot of fun and grew closer to some friends

I should explain that as head of Governance for Equality Texas, procedurally much is lead to the performance and smooth operation of the board through guidance of this committee. This is not to say that the whole board is not responsible, but governance is charged with HR type issues, oversight, and guidance. Our commitee vetts nominees to the board and brings their candidacy to a vote, we help with setting up the tools of evaluation both of the Executive Director and the board itself, and we have to know our own bylaws as though we are lawyers of the bylaws themselves.

So, during the retreat, I heard many times , "Doesn't that go to Governance? Katy, you got this ...right?"

That is only a tiny bit of exagerration, and is moreso rewording than exagerration.

So, at the end of Saturday I was swamped.

I just started a Program Evaluation class through the Bush School of Government and Public Service at Texas A&M
I have my first independent coalition education project (on same-sex domestic violence) in October to help market, manage, and make sure it runs smoothly and that everyone has enough snacks, materials, and safety to learn
I still need to meet my Equality Texas give/get of $1500 by the end of the year
I need to use the give/get to not so much give entirely, but use it as an opportunity to learn how to fundraise effectively for the organization.
Did I mention I have a full time job?
Did I mention that I have my orchie scheduled for my birthday this year?
Did I mention that Robin also needs attention as a partner?
Did I mention I need to balance finances?

Needless to say, information overload.

I have been weighing the option of getting out of the program evaluation class to help with some of the stress. If I withdrew this week, I might still be able to recover 50% of tuition and fees paid.

To do so required Q-dropping the class, and at zero hours I would be withdrawn from the University and would have to reapply to the Certificate in NonProfit Management program. But, I have quite a few nonprofit classes now, more than needed for the certificate. [NOTE: Katy loves knowledge, she has a passion for learning and tends to treat University curricula catalogs like this....."I want one of those, two of those, maybe three of those over there, and lots of that..."]

Here is what I have so far.

At the Bush School of Government and Public Service

PSAA 636-700 Grant & Contract Management
PSAA 698-701 Marketing for Nonprofit Organizations
PSAA 685-700 Directed Studies - nonprofit government commissions on philanthropy
PSAA 633-700 Philanthropy: Fundraising in Nonprofit Organizations
PSAA 643-700 Foundations of the Nonprofit Sector
PSAA 689-700 Strategic Planning and Fiscal Management in Nonprofit Organizations
PSAA 644-700 Management and Leadership of Nonprofit

At the graduate level, not related to Certificate Training

HLTH 634 Women's Health
ENGL 680 Theories of Gender

Now, the Bush School has been asking me time and again to do two things.

"Complete" the certificate - ie, graduation from the program
What is my emphasis for the program?

They have been very patient with my love of non profit learning.

The point, if I Q-drop and Withdraw from the University, I might as well go ahead and just complete the certificate. I can always reapply and fight that battle of "I want to take more..." later.
Besides, the certificate only requires two core classes and two electives. At this point in time I am spending money that is not enhancing the certificate, per se and is not going towards a terminal Masters. Texas A&M does not offer a MNPA or a Masters in Non-Profit Administration. Further, as I have begun research, other institutions will only accept a limited number of classes (usually 12 credits = 4 classes)

I have been looking around though.

I already have application in to Sam Houston for their online degree in public policy.
I have been in contact with someone from Bay Path College, who also offer on online degree, and one it what I am finding intriguing - Non Profit studies http://www.baypath.edu/GraduateProgram.aspx

Why online? Again, I have a full life and need my full time job. Online gives me the flexibility and accountability I need to achieve scholastically and still earn money to pay for that learning.

So, I Q-dropped....

I should be withdrawn from TAMU shortly if not already
My certificate from the Bush school will read
Certificate in Non Profit Management
Emphasis: Fundraising and Philanthropy

Who would have thought, the classes I was taking prepare me to fundraise. Which is what I need to be doing right now for Equality Texas. Interesting how life works

My plans:

Still working the steps for Sam Houston and Public Policy
Seriously thinking of working the steps for Bay Path College, did I mention I have developed an affinity of NonProfit management research? Could it be that others think I have a grasp for the content?

Bay Path offers several interesting degrees

Master of Science in Nonprofit Management and Philanthropy
Master of Science in Strategic Fundraising and Philanthropy

Track 1: Nonprofit Fundraising
Track 2: Higher Education Fundraising

Master of Science in Higher Education Administration

That is where I am this week, more at a later date.....I have to play with the kids, write up more notes from the retreat, redesign my blogs, revisit the plan for the October workshop, ....

Summer 2006 Family Newsletter

2006-08-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

WE HAD A BLAST!!

Summer 2006 Family Update

Over the past year it has become apparent to me that in this life we walk around half awake—or half aware of those even closest to us. I would like to endeavor to change that with those of you whom I consider my family, whether that family be by birth or by choice. So, I would like to start a tradition of keeping you

informed through periodic cards and letters. This is the first of

those letters.

Robin and I have been busy this past year with activities within our Bryan/College Station community—and mainly with work. As summer approached it was time to “retool” and concentrate energies once again on ourselves. To that end, I have pulled back from a number of my leadership commitments to focus on myself and my family.

This June, Robin and I took our weekly Sunday visit to the pet store in town. We

would look and coo at the puppies. Such outings made our spirits feel lighter. On one particular Sunday I made the mistake of asking to hold a very cute, but very lonely and scared female miniature dachsund. As soon as I had her in my arms, she snuggled right down and starting biting my hair and kissing my face. At that moment, I was in love.

We spend the rest of the day debating amongst ourselves the logistics of caring for such

a puppy. In the end, we bought her.

Those of you that know me well, know how much I wish and hope that Robin and I could have a child, and that is another story. Well, this little reddish bundle of joy was the closest thing that could come to that. In the days that followed she has spent every night in bed with us and loves to cuddle in the morning. There are moments as she lays cuddled against me that I see a baby of my very own. Yes, yes….I know she is a dog. And yet, she is more. In fact, she is not only as beautiful as her mommy (me) and as playful as her momma (Robin), but she has the stubborness of both parents combined. She is a joy, and our daughter…

Due to complications with a landlord and a lease, Ginger got to take a short vacation with her Aunt Tammy, Charlie, and Michelle. Most of the time Ginger spent taunting and playing with Sandy—their yellow lab. At the conclusion of this visit everybody was sad that Ginger had to come home — including Sandy. It made us realize that as we planned to move into a new place, we would have to make a space for a sister for Ginger.

Late in July we took a short vacation to San Antonio. Ginger went with us and spent some time with Grandma Shirley. She loved it, we have video of her running around Granny’s garden and were kept awake at night by her fighting with one of the new pups Grandma was raising.

While in San Antonio Robin and I had dinner on the River- walk. Previously we had eaten at the Landing, where Jim Collum and his band usually play Jazz music. This time we ate at a Tex Mex restaurant. We enjoyed the dinner, but I missed the Jazz music. We also visited the Alamo, which

Robin had not been to since she was very young….and I had memories of working a con- struction job at with Raymond one summer at about the age of 11. We also were able to eat at Mi Tierra and visit El Mercado. Mi Tierra was a place I had heard raved about when I was grow- ing up in San Antonio. Now I know why. The food is fantastic, and their lemonade is some of the best I have ever tried. Not to discount, of course, the most wonderful color and taste of the establishment...with live pan flute and and Mariachi bands.

We also spent some time at The Witte Museum, and I think Robin got a taste of why I am always regarding it as one of the best museums to visit. Their newest exhibit included talking manniquins and interactive displays that feature the diversity of Tex- ans.

But most of all, we were able to spend time with family. Besides visiting with

Shirley and my brother, we spent an evening with my uncle Dan and aunt Sandy. Two most giving and fun people to sit down and just spend an evening chatting with.

We came home, and on the way had an ice cream. This was Ginger’s second experience with this mysterious substance. I think you can see from the picture at the top of this post just how much it was enjoyed.

August found us moving into a duplex. We are renting from a landlord I had years ago and who has been very open and friendly over the years. His one comment when I caught up with him this past year at a Democratic County con- vention was that he knew such a demure and polite young woman when he knew me last. Now he sees a lady who spits fire and fights for justice (my words, not his). The duplex is more spacious than the cramped one bedroom apartment we were living in, and has a yard so that I can start that garden I have been yearn- ing for. Also, Ginger has more room for running like a horse through our rooms and fighting with her new sister—Onyx, a black lab. I think they love each other, but sometimes you cannot tell that to listen to them as you are trying to get to sleep.

Also in August, I took out a loan on my

401k to get a car. The 1997 Geo Metro hatchback I have been driving for years has finally seen its last road, and it is time to let it rest. I now own a 2005 Black Dodge

Neon SXT and am totally pleased with it. With alloy wheels, it is the fuel efficient sportscar I never had.

August has also found me at Prairie View Texas A&M. As part of the Allies or- ganization (http://allies.tamu.edu), I am a workshop facilitator. Prairie View ex- pressed interest in our program. As such, Sara Bendoraitis, Patrick Paschall, Theresa ( a new graduate student in the Women and Gender Equity Resource Office at Texas A&M) visited this campus. We talked with attendees about gay. Lesbian, bisexual, and transgender issues with some concentration on transgender topics, but mostly emphasizing Priviledge, Homophobia, and Heterosexism. They were able to partici- pate in interactive opportunities that helped bring the importance of the topics di- rectly to them in terms of campus housing, current events, and campus climate. As a

thank you gift, I received a plaque that says one word — “Believe” besides the words

“Creativity”, “Transformation”, and “Harmony”….most agree that the plaque suits my character well.

With that, I will sign off for this letter—even though there are other activities I did not cover, and so much more to tell.

Please, write Robin, Ginger, Onyx and myself! Let us know how you and yours are doing.