As far as I can tell, I am healing nicely from the orchie. One incision site is still covered by steri strips, the other is not, but is healing well - I just need to keep antiobiotic cream on it. Both incisions feel hard underneath the skin, and I am told by Robin's sister that this might be scar tissue. It may or may not go away with time.
Hormonally it is still early to tell, there are some changes. For instance, I have had a few hot flashes - though that seems to be calming down some. In addition, excitable hardening in that area (if you know what I mean) has diminished except for one totally random time this past week. I don't know if my fat distribution is changing much yet - again, too early.
Am I happy with the operation, yes. Am I happier because of it? Well, I wouldn't call it happier. There is some adjusting, but I am satisfied at the accomplishment of a milestone that will help other elements "fall into place" When it comes down to it, there is very little that makes me "happy" (other than perhaps winning a million dollars). There is peace, comfortableness, hope, and love...which brings me to todays blog.....
What am I thankful for?
Let me start by saying that most of the time, holidays depress/confound me. When I was with Denise, my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were living hell. Some of that still haunts me. It also haunts me that my family by blood is distant, unaccepting, and contradictory (except for the notable exceptions of my wondrous cousin Sara and Aunt Geraldine). What has brought me joy and peace in the past are my family of spirit - including Jack and Debbie and Patrick and Sara. I still look fondly upon the Thanksgiving with Sara and Patrick before she left to go to American University.
So, what am I thankful for? I am thankful for friends, a supportive partner, privilege, and an amazingly adaptive and beautiful mind. Let me please take each in turn.
Friends:
As I said, special friends such as Patrick, Sara, Jack, Debbie, Anne Lessem and others too numerous to mention (Lowell, Patrick Lukingbeal, Rebecca Taylor, Lou Weaver, Luci, etc etc etc) make my life bearable with all the stresses that enter it. I am the kind of person that tends more towards a very small core group of friends and lots of acquaintances...at least that I what I thought I was like. It is true that very very few people know most of the hallways of my soul. Robin, my lovely partner, comes closest after 6 years now, but even she misses some of the labyrinth that is Katy. Most of the time, friends see facets - like facets of a rare gems. And sometimes they glimpse the truth of those facets.
- With Anne I share the Scorpio asset of great evil in the pursuit of good, perception, depth, and mysterious dark, sexual, powerful potential.
- With Lou I share lightheartedness ( he was tempted to skip in Kroger the other day according to Facebook) and an iron-clad grip on community commitment and passion.
- With Lowell I share the Brazos Valley community, dedication, and pursuit of trying to create resources in this GLBT dead zone.
- With Patrick Lukingbeal and Rebecca Taylor I share a great fondness and desire to have dinner together again - as well as a secret admiration of their awesomeness in their own pursuits.
- With Luci I share and see reflected strength. The feminine strength to be oneself and change the face of a community.
- Jack and Debbie I share love, puppy dates, election working and delightful conversation that I often do not find in the regular world
- Patrick and Sara - well, I miss them. Besides Robin, they have known me the longest and the best. They see my potential and they nurture it. My eyes water up as I write how truly wonderful they are in my life because the so much just love me, support me, and encourage me to grow. The tears fall because I miss them, but more so because of the completeness they bring to my heart.
A supportive partner:
In this life we all need friends to make it through. Often always, we need a travel companion - or companions. My wish after the dark times of Denise was a partner who could walk with me on the path that is life and chat. Robin and I have had our times when the path separates us and times when we walk hand in hand. We have had times where we playfully banter on the journey and times in which we argue and stew in silence walking on opposite sides of the path. We have our darkness and our light, but we do have each other. We also own together some things that cannot be written even here.
Denise said she was out, but acted closeted and had a lot of internalized homophobia. I cannot say that Robin or even myself are immune from internalized homophobia because I believe the words I have heard recently that one cannot grow up in our society an not be racist. I would include, that one cannot grow up in this society and still be haunted by bigotry of so many kinds. We are all like the old fashioned LP records - the vinyl ones with grooves. Those grooves are our culture and our history, they are often grooves filled with prejudiced subtleties, discriminative undertones, and assumptions about groups of people instead of about individuals. They become part of who we are, and though we try and successfully "clean" some of those grooves - new ones are made each day and one cannot possibly undo one's entire history. So, Denise was toxic in her internalized homophobia, but Robin and I also bear that stigma upon our souls.
That being said, Robin is for the most part - out, which allows me a certain comfortableness as I work my leadership and magic in a community. Moreso, she is supportive behind the scenes, giving my quiet strength, advice, and argumentative counterpoint. Believe it or not, counterpoint is sometimes the best tonic for success.
Robin is also highly intelligent, which I take for granted most of the time because I walk around the world knowing I am a genius :-)
But, that genius is something people don't always get to share in, till you have an extended conversation with her or spend some time with her. For her beauty of mind I am blessed.
Privilege
When I transitioned from male to female, I lost male privilege. To this day, that loss stings, and the injustice of it often burns in my soul - giving kindling to the fire of my passion for social justice. At the same time, I am still privileged in many ways I take for granted. These privileges act as unseen forces that allow me to accomplish and even do what I do.
So, I am still white and of an English/German possibly a little bit of Scottish heritage. It means I would look amazingly hot in a kilt and also gives me certain social freedoms while constraining certain social expressions. What I mean by this is that my "calmer" less expressive nature may be not only because of my shyness and who I am at the core, but also social conditioning. I will remember the National Coalition Building Institute train the trainer training when I became unsettled because a person of color so beautifully emoted the injustice felt every waking moment. Now, anyone who has heard my pre-op vagina monologue can bear witness to my ability to emote with the best. However, my unsettlement was as much a product of my "record grooves" of racism and also "acceptable ways of communicating" that are bound with in and within my privilege as a white woman.
Because of my privilege I am automatically granted leadership opportunity. Yet, because of privilege I cannot see some social justice issues dealing with race as clearly as others. This allows me the opportunity to advocate, but not to understand - which is both a blessing and a curse.
My point for today though is that my privilege allows me to be out, to take time from work to pursue advocacy, and has given me the opportunity to experientially learn leadership in the Brazos Valley Community. For that and the friends that support me in those efforts with words and encouragement, or even the ability to activate my ideas, I am truly grateful.
An amazingly beautiful mind
My undergrad GPA is not very high, due moreso to working to many hours and a procrastinative nature. However, my original degree plan was a Bachelor of Science in Chemistry. I changed to Bachelor of Arts which allowed me the privilege of understanding the great adaptability and breadth of my mind to process many different kinds of knowledge systems, but that ability to closely analyze, number crunch, and perceive has remained.
I look in the mirror some days and think that I am not very pretty. I think about how masculine I may look, or that I don't really have a feminine beauty. Other days, I look in the mirror and think, "Damn, I would fuck her". When it comes to my mind though, even though I have times in which "all gears are working" and days in which I am "off", I still have a quiet confidence that my mind is a wondrous and beautiful creation.
In combination with my heart...my most wondrous of assets.
And it is that mind that makes me a beautiful woman and formerly a compassionate, caring, handsome gentleman.
Thanks for reading, will post more as time allows....
Katy
1 comment:
Many blessings for the journey!
- Father Thomas
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