Thanks for giving 2010

First, an update.
     As far as I can tell, I am healing nicely from the orchie. One incision site is still covered by steri strips, the other is not, but is healing well - I just need to keep antiobiotic cream on it. Both incisions feel hard underneath the skin, and I am told by Robin's sister that this might be scar tissue. It may or may not go away with time.
     Hormonally it is still early to tell, there are some changes. For instance, I have had a few hot flashes - though that seems to be calming down some. In addition, excitable hardening in that area (if you know what I mean) has diminished except for one totally random time this past week. I don't know if my fat distribution is changing much yet - again, too early.
     Am I happy with the operation, yes. Am I happier because of it? Well, I wouldn't call it happier. There is some adjusting, but I am satisfied at the accomplishment of a milestone that will help other elements "fall into place" When it comes down to it, there is very little that makes me "happy" (other than perhaps winning a million dollars). There is peace, comfortableness, hope, and love...which brings me to todays blog.....

What am I thankful for?

     Let me start by saying that most of the time, holidays depress/confound me. When I was with Denise, my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were living hell. Some of that still haunts me. It also haunts me that my family by blood is distant, unaccepting, and contradictory (except for the notable exceptions of my wondrous cousin Sara and Aunt Geraldine). What has brought me joy and peace in the past are my family of spirit - including Jack and Debbie and Patrick and Sara. I still look fondly upon the Thanksgiving with Sara and Patrick before she left to go to American University.

    So, what am I thankful for? I am thankful for friends, a supportive partner, privilege, and an amazingly adaptive and beautiful mind. Let me please take each in turn.

Friends:
     As I said, special friends such as Patrick, Sara, Jack, Debbie, Anne Lessem and others too numerous to mention (Lowell, Patrick Lukingbeal, Rebecca Taylor, Lou Weaver, Luci, etc etc etc) make my life bearable with all the stresses that enter it. I am the kind of person that tends more towards a very small core group of friends and lots of acquaintances...at least that I what I thought I was like. It is true that very very few people know most of the hallways of my soul. Robin, my lovely partner, comes closest after 6 years now, but even she misses some of the labyrinth that is Katy. Most of the time, friends see facets - like facets of a rare gems. And sometimes they glimpse the truth of those facets.

• With Anne I share the Scorpio asset of great evil in the pursuit of good, perception, depth, and mysterious dark, sexual, powerful potential. 
• With Lou I share lightheartedness ( he was tempted to skip in Kroger the other day according to Facebook) and an iron-clad grip on community commitment and passion. 
• With Lowell I share the Brazos Valley community, dedication, and pursuit of trying to create resources in this GLBT dead zone.
• With Patrick Lukingbeal and Rebecca Taylor I share a great fondness and desire to have dinner together again - as well as a secret admiration of their awesomeness in their own pursuits.
• With Luci I share and see reflected strength. The feminine strength to be oneself and change the face of a community.
• Jack and Debbie I share love, puppy dates, election working and delightful conversation that I often do not find in the regular world
• Patrick and Sara - well, I miss them. Besides Robin, they have known me the longest and the best. They see my potential and they nurture it. My eyes water up as I write how truly wonderful they are in my life because the so much just love me, support me, and encourage me to grow. The tears fall because I miss them, but more so because of the completeness they bring to my heart.

For all of this family I am today thankful, and honored.

A supportive partner:

     In this life we all need friends to make it through. Often always, we need a travel companion - or companions. My wish after the dark times of Denise was a partner who could walk with me on the path that is life and chat. Robin and I have had our times when the path separates us and times when we walk hand in hand. We have had times where we playfully banter on the journey and times in which we argue and stew in silence walking on opposite sides of the path. We have our darkness and our light, but we do have each other. We also own together some things that cannot be written even here.
     Denise said she was out, but acted closeted and had a lot of internalized homophobia. I cannot say that Robin or even myself are immune from internalized homophobia because I believe the words I have heard recently that one cannot grow up in our society an not be racist. I would include, that one cannot grow up in this society and still be haunted by bigotry of so many kinds. We are all like the old fashioned LP records - the vinyl ones with grooves. Those grooves are our culture and our history, they are often grooves filled with prejudiced subtleties, discriminative undertones, and assumptions about groups of people instead of about individuals. They become part of who we are, and though we try and successfully "clean" some of those grooves - new ones are made each day and one cannot possibly undo one's entire history. So, Denise was toxic in her internalized homophobia, but Robin and I also bear that stigma upon our souls.
     That being said, Robin is for the most part - out, which allows me a certain comfortableness as I work my leadership and magic in a community. Moreso, she is supportive behind the scenes, giving my quiet strength, advice, and argumentative counterpoint. Believe it or not, counterpoint is sometimes the best tonic for success.
     Robin is also highly intelligent, which I take for granted most of the time because I walk around the world knowing I am a genius :-)
     But, that genius is something people don't always get to share in, till you have an extended conversation with her or spend some time with her. For her beauty of mind I am blessed.

Privilege

     When I transitioned from male to female, I lost male privilege. To this day, that loss stings, and the injustice of it often burns in my soul - giving kindling to the fire of my passion for social justice. At the same time, I am still privileged in many ways I take for granted. These privileges act as unseen forces that allow me to accomplish and even do what I do.
     So, I am still white and of an English/German possibly a little bit of Scottish heritage. It means I would look amazingly hot in a kilt and also gives me certain social freedoms while constraining certain social expressions. What I mean by this is that my "calmer" less expressive nature may be not only because of my shyness and who I am at the core, but also social conditioning. I will remember the National Coalition Building Institute train the trainer training when I became unsettled because a person of color so beautifully emoted the injustice felt every waking moment. Now, anyone who has heard my pre-op vagina monologue can bear witness to my ability to emote with the best. However, my unsettlement was as much a product of my "record grooves" of racism and also "acceptable ways of communicating" that are bound with in and within my privilege as a white woman.
     Because of my privilege I am automatically granted leadership opportunity. Yet, because of privilege I cannot see some social justice issues dealing with race as clearly as others. This allows me the opportunity to advocate, but not to understand - which is both a blessing and a curse.
     My point for today though is that my privilege allows me to be out, to take time from work to pursue advocacy, and has given me the opportunity to experientially learn leadership in the Brazos Valley Community. For that and the friends that support me in those efforts with words and encouragement, or even the ability to activate my ideas, I am truly grateful.

An amazingly beautiful mind

     My undergrad GPA is not very high, due moreso to working to many hours and a procrastinative nature. However, my original degree plan was a Bachelor of Science in Chemistry. I changed to Bachelor of Arts which allowed me the privilege of understanding the great adaptability and breadth of my mind to process many different kinds of knowledge systems, but that ability to closely analyze, number crunch, and perceive has remained.
      I look in the mirror some days and think that I am not very pretty. I think about how masculine I may look, or that I don't really have a feminine beauty. Other days, I look in the mirror and think, "Damn, I would fuck her". When it comes to my mind though, even though I have times in which "all gears are working" and days in which I am "off", I still have a quiet confidence that my mind is a wondrous and beautiful creation.

In combination with my heart...my most wondrous of assets.

And it is that mind that makes me a beautiful woman and formerly a compassionate, caring, handsome gentleman.

Thanks for reading, will post more as time allows....

Katy

How did I celebrate my 29th?

     For my birthday this year, my present to myself was a step towards dealing with my hormone issues in regard to transition. So, for years I have struggled with using testosterone blockers on my journey to womanhood (I started hormone therapy in February of 2001). I guess I just have such stubborn testosterone (like the rest of me :-)  ) that I have been unable to properly minimize my testosterone levels into the normative range of most females. Also, the often prescribed spironolactone that is the most often used for this treatment was not a prescription that I tolerated well at high levels ( like 100 mg ). Often such high levels of spiro dehydrated me and left me coping with chronic constipation (again, not something an active woman needs in her life). About 2 years ago my endocrinologist switched me to finasteride to block testosterone. It worked, but we had to use a suitably high dosage of this drug as well.
    As such, insurance has battled with me every year about the renewal prescription for finasteride. It would go something like this.

1. Dr. would prescribe a new round of finasteride for a new year
2. Insurance would deny the insurance copay for reasons of not being a drug used for cases other than female hirustism (excessive hairiness ).
3. Dr. would write an appeal for override of the insurance denial
4. Insurance would still deny
5. I would have to get my company's HR and legal department involved to override the insurance decision.

Big mess, every year.

I have been advised again and again, "Why don't you just go get an orchiectomy?"

My reservations have been centered on two factors:

1. It was my understanding that my surgeon of choice for eventual SRS surgery - Dr Supporn in Thailand did not approve of patients who had prior orchiectomy. That the scar tissue such a procedure typically leaves on the scrotal sac is innapropriate to using such material for future labial donor material. I want healthy labia, so....I don't want scrotal scarring
2. Shrinkage. Having an orchie could cause significant enough shrinkage of donor material in the groin area that SRS results might be impaired.

This past year, as I spoke to my dear mentor Phyllis Frye during a conversation related to other business, the issue of orchie came up again - specifically as I was complaining about my finasteride trials above. She recommended a great plastic surgeon in Plano - Dr. Peter Raphael. She also commented that Dr. Raphael's procedure was purposefully respectful of patient desire to undergo later SRS and would not cause scarring of the scrotal tissue. As for the shrinkage issue, she commented that any competent surgeon could come up with solutions for that.

I took her advice to heart and asked others. My friend Kylie had also seen Dr. Raphael, and recommended him heartily. My mentor Lisa also shared with me confidences in regard to shrinkage and that competent surgeons could indeed get donor material from elsewhere on my body. She also has understood my issues and was very helpful and uplifting in me weighing the pros and cons for myself. What helped the most was the following post

http://sherrylanina.tripod.com/orchiectomytrans.htm

The other day I saw this message by Dr. Marci Bowers which helped drive home that the main concern against orchiectomy is the fund drain from SRS
http://www.marcibowers.com/grs/grs-faq.html

For a woman who cannot afford SRS for some time yet into the future, needs better hormone control (consider weight gain and multiple other health issues that may or may not be related to "competing hormones" in my body), and sees the wisdom of a stepwise approach, Dr. Bower's warning held little water.

My other main concern, no more chance to have children myself after this is done.

So, I want to be a mother - I want to be the one who gets pregnant rather than the one who impregnates. Nevertheless, the understanding of the finality of this decision in regard to offspring did weigh on me. This being said even though I am most likely already sterile from so many years of hormone blockers. It still weighed on my soul.

My good mentor and friend Lisa totally understood. She understood, and that is all I needed to go forward with a decision.

Would I like to pass my genes onto a child? Yes. Would I like to hold a baby girl in my arms who I have helped bring into this world? Yes, definitely

But, what is my most precious gift to a child?
My passion, my life work, my advocacy, and my heart.

This I can give to any child who needs to be adopted - especially one who may have lost their own family in the their journey to be themselves.

So, I am here 48 hours after orchiectomy.
The first day was hell...well, dark and painful from the effects of the anesthesia.
But, I did live, did heal well, and most of the negative effects of the anesthesia were gone by evening to the next morning.
Robin is now telling me it is time for my steroid, or was that "Get your feet in the stirrups young lady, you and I have some lovin to catch up on :-) "

I am getting better each day, will keep all of you updated.

Thanks for reading...

Increasing Access to Justice: Update

     For a first time event, "Increasing Access to Justice: Advocating for LGBT Victims of Domestic Violence" went pretty darn well.

• October 22 - 12 to 13 participants. Attendees were from Phoebe's Home, private practice, and Sexual Assault Resource Center. I met some new faces of social workers in our community and really appreciate their input. In addition, to those who came from afar, such as Austin, I am very very greatful.
• October 23 - 7 to 9 participants. Mainly student affairs and University personnel. We were joined by a law enforcement officer partway through and I really appreciated his input. Great learning was had

 

   After all is said and done, we came away with a net earning of $113, which I hope to share some with the project partners, and put the bulk into next year's program.

 

   I could not have done this without all of the following project planning partners:

• Brazos Valley Chapter of the National Association of Social Workers
• Texas Advocacy Project

 

Other partners on the project that I am indebted to:

• Aggie Allies
• Brazos Valley Area Agency on the Aging
• Texas A&M GLBT Resource Center

 

And special thanks to:

• GLBTA
• an Anonymous donor of baked refreshments for both days
• GLBT Professional Network

 

Most of all, I could have not done this at all without the sponsorship of

• Brazos Progressives
• Brazos County Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Chest Infection, Coughing, Sinus Infection - Attack of the bacterioids

     So, it has been a rough two weeks in which many things I hoped to accomplish have not been accomplished because my body has been so worn down because of natural baterialogical warfare by mother nature against me. It started as a bad case of chest congestion and miserableness that I nursed through and eventually got a little better. Funny thing is that I think I developed the voice of an aging rock star during this time...in between the hacking and breathing through what felt like fluid.
     The doctor prescribed septra-D, which apparently is also used for staph infections, according to the pharmacist. That and a combination of mucinex-dm and alka-seltzer cold medicines have seemed to help.
     That is, until this weekend. Apparently, taking the family to Weiner-Fest was just too much for my sinuses. I was miserable and heat exhausted after only a few hours, so we went home. While leaving, we met my friend Dr. Dianne Kraft who wisely offered what she uses during these times - a Nettie Pot . I forgot honestly about these wonderous inventions.
     So we got home, ate lunch, and decided to take a small nap before planning to go to the Big Gay BBQ being held this Saturday. We planned, but our bodies told us otherwise, as neither of us woke up till after 6pm, still feeling miserable. We ate dinner, watched some tv, and back to bed.
     Sunday found Robin having to do a shift at work, while I stayed home. I did use the Neti pot Sunday morning and slept, which seemed to help quite a bit...I hope that it lasts.
     So, at the end of this month is the set of workshops on same-sex domestic violence entitled "Increasing Access to Justice: Advocating for LGBT Victims of Domestic Violence". This has been a very very rewarding project to partner with JJ Lara of Texas Advocacy Project and Ed Lane of the Brazos Valley Chapter of the National Association of Social Workers. Although the project is really the creation of JJ and TAP, bringing it to the venue of Bryan/College Station has been a project in learning how to set up coalition based community education projects. I hope to continue this kind of work in the future with Ed Lane and others to offer more programs in the Brazos Valley. Already I tentatively have thoughts for the following programs:

1. Bringing Allison Vogt of Montrose Counseling Center to speak either during GLBTA Awareness week in the Spring or next Fall for followup on Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October)
2. A program on LGBT elderly or LGBT and aging, the issues involved, the topics to discuss. I am hoping that this would be a good project to get Lowell Kane to present on with his research in the area as well as partner with the Brazos Valley Area Agency on the Aging and national groups such as SAGE. I wonder if there is a month dedicated to celebrating our elders - or if the month during which grandparents day resides would be suitable.
3. I would like to consider a program bearing my research on Issues in Transgender Health Care and working with local and national partners to present such a program as well.

So, that is a number of projects to consider.
Right now though, I have to get through this first one and am nervous that it will work "perfectly"

I will keep you updated....

Q-Drop, Withdrawal, Certificate and Future Plans

It has been an interesting week to say the least.

 

So, last weeked the Equality Texas board had our retreat. I walked away with a headache, lead in my stomach, and wondering, "How the hell am I going to do this." I also had a lot of fun and grew closer to some friends

 

I should explain that as head of Governance for Equality Texas, procedurally much is lead to the performance and smooth operation of the board through guidance of this committee. This is not to say that the whole board is not responsible, but governance is charged with HR type issues, oversight, and guidance. Our commitee vetts nominees to the board and brings their candidacy to a vote, we help with setting up the tools of evaluation both of the Executive Director and the board itself, and we have to know our own bylaws as though we are lawyers of the bylaws themselves.

 

So, during the retreat, I heard many times , "Doesn't that go to Governance? Katy, you got this ...right?"

 

That is only a tiny bit of exagerration, and is moreso rewording than exagerration.

 

So, at the end of Saturday I was swamped.

• I just started a Program Evaluation class through the Bush School of Government and Public Service at Texas A&M
• I have my first independent coalition education project (on same-sex domestic violence) in October to help market, manage, and make sure it runs smoothly and that everyone has enough snacks, materials, and safety to learn
• I still need to meet my Equality Texas give/get of $1500 by the end of the year
• I need to use the give/get to not so much give entirely, but use it as an opportunity to learn how to fundraise effectively for the organization.
• Did I mention I have a full time job?
• Did I mention that I have my orchie scheduled for my birthday this year?
• Did I mention that Robin also needs attention as a partner?
• Did I mention I need to balance finances?

Needless to say, information overload.

 

I have been weighing the option of getting out of the program evaluation class to help with some of the stress. If I withdrew this week, I might still be able to recover 50% of tuition and fees paid.

 

To do so required Q-dropping the class, and at zero hours I would be withdrawn from the University and would have to reapply to the Certificate in NonProfit Management program. But, I have quite a few nonprofit classes now, more than needed for the certificate. [NOTE: Katy loves knowledge, she has a passion for learning and tends to treat University curricula catalogs like this....."I want one of those, two of those, maybe three of those over there, and lots of that..."]

 

Here is what I have so far.

 

At the Bush School of Government and Public Service

 

• PSAA 636-700   Grant & Contract Management
• PSAA 698-701   Marketing for Nonprofit Organizations
• PSAA 685-700   Directed Studies - nonprofit government commissions on philanthropy
• PSAA 633-700   Philanthropy: Fundraising in Nonprofit Organizations
• PSAA 643-700   Foundations of the Nonprofit Sector
• PSAA 689-700   Strategic Planning and Fiscal Management in Nonprofit Organizations
• PSAA 644-700 Management and Leadership of Nonprofit

At the graduate level, not related to Certificate Training

 

• HLTH 634   Women's Health
• ENGL 680   Theories of Gender

Now, the Bush School has been asking me time and again to do two things.

1. "Complete" the certificate - ie, graduation from the program
2. What is my emphasis for the program?

They have been very patient with my love of non profit learning.

 

The point, if I Q-drop and Withdraw from the University, I might as well go ahead and just complete the certificate. I can always reapply and fight that battle of "I want to take more..." later.
Besides, the certificate only requires two core classes and two electives. At this point in time I am spending money that is not enhancing the certificate, per se and is not going towards a terminal Masters. Texas A&M does not offer a MNPA or a Masters in Non-Profit Administration. Further, as I have begun research, other institutions will only accept a limited number of classes (usually 12 credits = 4 classes)

 

I have been looking around though.

• I already have application in to Sam Houston for their online degree in public policy.
• I have been in contact with someone from Bay Path College, who also offer on online degree, and one it what I am finding intriguing - Non Profit studies http://www.baypath.edu/GraduateProgram.aspx

 

Why online? Again, I have a full life and need my full time job. Online gives me the flexibility and accountability I need to achieve scholastically and still earn money to pay for that learning.

 

So, I Q-dropped....

I should be withdrawn from TAMU shortly if not already
My certificate from the Bush school will read
Certificate in Non Profit Management
Emphasis: Fundraising and Philanthropy

 

Who would have thought, the classes I was taking prepare me to fundraise. Which is what I need to be doing right now for Equality Texas. Interesting how life works

 

My plans:

• Still working the steps for Sam Houston and Public Policy
• Seriously thinking of working the steps for Bay Path College, did I mention I have developed an affinity of NonProfit management research? Could it be that others think I have a grasp for the content?

Bay Path offers several interesting degrees

• Master of Science in Nonprofit Management and Philanthropy
• Master of Science in Strategic Fundraising and Philanthropy
• Track 1: Nonprofit Fundraising
• Track 2: Higher Education Fundraising
• Master of Science in Higher Education Administration

That is where I am this week, more at a later date.....I have to play with the kids, write up more notes from the retreat, redesign my blogs, revisit the plan for the October workshop, ....