Recently I have noticed more muggles who in my everyday life see a woman, are "gender prepared" to talk to a woman....and then my voice breaks their paradigm and they become confused. One woman the other day within my earshot said "things are not always as they appear".
.............................. Okay, whatever you frickin moron, go about your dumb dumb life..................
But, it raises an interesting history of my struggle with my voice that I would like to share and discuss.
When I started transition back in "ott ott" (2000), my voice and my walk were huge concerns - major developmental roles that had to be learned. I read/listened to the voice directions for transsexuals on the internet. I threw my resonance to a different part of my throat...blah blah blah. Remember, voice professional here, very accomplishable.
I did the same thing with my gait and my walk. "Try to walk feminine" "Take tiny steps directly in front of each other" blah blah blah.
Here is what I learned in list form:
- Not all women "walk like women". As with any stereotype, a large number do not walk the way we say they walk --- even as far as gender studies that say "women hold themselves up and walk with balance in their hips" "men are always falling forward"
- Aside: Men are always falling forward because male bodies have narrow hips, the center of gravity is different, and the large appendage at the front not only makes one more knuckle dragging hormone ridden, but pulls one off balance :-) (yeah, kidding except for the center of gravity/narrow hip thing). Female bodies (within typical "population curve" measurements) have more hip than most men...so the center of gravity is different.
- Foot gear has much today with walking. In high heels (which I dread), gait must be shorter steps and one foot closer to in front of the other in order to maintain balance and actually "do the act" Tennis shoes and boots (which I prefer) do not require this some style of walking...so the feet are more spread and holding the body weight differently.
- Their is no such thing as an "essential male" or "essential female"...women are not "one way" and men "another". There is so much friggin crossover in cisgender populations that it is not funny.
- As trans women babies in our adult years, too many of us try a feminine voice that comes out whispy, with no vocal power. It is frustrating as hell to talk to someone doing that and it is terribly hard to maintain if you are the one doing it.
- My voice is often soft enough, even "as a guy" without the help of "weakening it to sound more feminine"
- I have a beautiful voice. Patty (the woman I was in relationship with during the beginning of "transition") use to say that I had a sonorous bell like quality to my voice.
- I take pride in that. My "bell" may be resonating a bit out of "feminine range" as most people expect...but it is my damn voice.
- I am not going to (at this time) undergo surgery which would ruin that very dear treasure I have....a living resonator of amazing richness.
- I love windchimes, most of us do....listen to the well made resonant ones. Touch the resonance with your ears....just close your eyes and hear the reverberations. The amazing beauty of that is such a divine gift....touching it with your ear is touching pure power.
- In 2003 I became cast in the Texas A&M production of vagina monologues. I loved the experience and the feminine bonding back stage. It was amazing. Also, Robin and I had started dating and getting flowers after a performance from your new lover is...well....blush......pretty damn awesome. The point is this, I was chosen because of my voice, the "huskier quality" of my voice is exactly what the producer wanted for performance of the piece "hair".
So my gait and my voice have "relaxed" over the years. More accurately, they took a journey from David sounding, to "ultra-feminine" hysteria, to Katy the strong Texan in cowboy boots and a killer femininity that is strong and gentle.
It does mean that I am probably always wearing a "tranny badge"...and that is what can be difficult to manage. From hoping to get flirted with in produce at HEB to being taken seriously, but respected as a woman on the phone. But, then again......
If I am causing "gender trouble" just by talking, then I am indeed very powerful. I have a super-power, if you would, that exposes people to such trouble and thereby changes the landscape so that my children (by which I mean all trans* youth) might have a path a little less filled with stones.
Here is the other thing though...anyone who spends any amount of time with me knows that I am quite feminine. Yes, I am a leader. Yes, I wear pants most of the time. Yes, I have a deeper voice. But, when you get to know me.....you see I am much more feminine than expected. And, when you get to know me better, you realize that I am even more complex than feminine or masculine.
Poor Robin, I think half of our domestic squabbles sometimes are from our difference in gender upbringing. Where I don't see a problem and am just doing things the way I do them, or just answering a question "matter of factly" .....I may actually be cutting her off, or acting in some way more indicative of my "masculine training" without even thinking. ... There really should be no judgement there. I think that those of us who transverse the gender divide begin to see that "men" in the ways that they do things "makes perfect sense to men" "is logical" "etc". Women, in the way they do things (again there is no essential woman to whom all women should have to act) do things in a way "that makes sense" "is logical" "considers the feelings of others" "etc". Both actions though are valid in their own light. A childhood and adulthood though of training does not get erased when one "transitions"(*1)
Thanks for reading.
Katy
*1 Transitioning is a ....pick one and add blah blah blah, because I could talk about it ad nauseum:
- a lifelong journey
- a misnomer because we are all always transitioning
- never really begun nor ended because we are not living stereotypes of gender
- etc.
